17 Bit Software 4: Phase Four/17Bit_Phase_Four.iso/files/3277.dms/3277.adf/The Plot

Text File | 1992-09-02 | 5.5 KB | 99 lines

                 - Ye olde plot -

     ( being but a highly unlikely explanation for the wierder parts of AW2 )


After the first few millenia of happily obliterating each other , the two
seperate species of ant that had made their home on planet Selotape ( namely
the black and the reds ) were teetering on the brink of extinction .

Into this somewhat dodgy situation in popped Joel Battistututu , sole
survivor of The Great Amoeba Apocalypse that had befallen Earth , who had
cryogenicaly frozen 2 tenths of his brain and pickled the rest to prolong his
life . One suprising upshot of this was that he was completely convinced he
was the second incarnation of Christ ( but he also had some worrying habits
regarding yoghurts and pineapples which it is beyound the scope , and dignity ,
 of this humble scrivener to relate . )

In a rare moment of lucidity he decided to try his utmost to join Greenpeace .
( No mean feat , seeing as the organization had perished along with all the
dolphins , tuna , whales and 5 billion people who had inhabited the earth . )
Out of sheer desperation , and a stubborn will to atone for the environmental
atrocities his pop records had perpetrated ( they were so dire a herd of
sea lions 300 miles from one of his concerts had bitten each other to death ,
before continuosly ramming an oil tanker until an oil slick 7000 miles long
formed . That wasn`t so bad . Things only started to deteriorate when a
tribe of Eskimos decided to commit suicide after listening to one of his
records and willed themselves to spontaneously combust . Of course the oil
slick went up in a gigantic fireball , engulfing numerous nuclear reactors
and generaly doing horrid things to Scandinavia , before BNFL and the
English government gave Joel a grant , pension and tax evasion permit to stop
 making records . )

He made it his task to conserve the remaining Ants on the planet . ( Every
other life form had been toasted long ago . ) His breeding farms turned out a
total disaster . When more than two ants got together they started trying to
kill each other , so Joel decide to de-evolve them a bit ( as you do ) .
He reversed the process of natural selection by killing off the strong and
healthy and deliberatly feeding only the weak and sick ants . With his new
breed of docile , unintimidating and gentile Non-Super-Ant , he singlehandedly
raised a community of hybrid ants , each one half black / half red . They
spent their time knitting and singing songs around campfires . It was pathetic.

Anyway , with the impulse to annihilate each other gone , the planet prospered.
The plants grew back , new animals appeared , the toxic chemical lakes drained
away to nothing and were replaced by crystal clear pools of melted snow .

The ants themselves turned their thoughts to constructive work . They wanted
to build . They wanted to invent . They wanted to create .

They didn`t know how . They built weapons .

This presented a few problems . You see , they desperately wanted to progress
but they hadn`t even had time to invent the wheel yet , because they had
been too busy killing each other to bother much with sissy stuff like that .
But Ants are nothing if not determined , so instead of giving their vehicles
wheels ( nobody could get their mind around the concept ) they made them hover!
Devious , isn`t it ? ( The fact that this makes them easier to program is
merely an added bonus . ) Anyway hover craft are more suited to the terrain
on planet Sellotape ( so there ! ) . The excuse for the motor bikes going
through walls is a little bit more complex . It`s got something to do with
matter transporters probably , maybe an odd parrallel dimension and
something daft like an Immellan Engine ( as long as it sounds Star Trekkish )
in there as well . Oh look ! The Good Year blimp ! Change of subject , dum de
dum ...

And so they set about stockpiling munitions , not because of any need to , but
because they didn`t know how to do anything else . Still , Joel reasoned in
his slightly completely bonkers way , it keeps them occupied , good for them !

And then it happpened .

One day an ant , blissfully innocent , strolled into Joel`s fully equiped
Genetic research laboratory ( constructed from bamboo poles and little orange
toothpicks ) looked at all the pretty bottles , drank them all down , defied
all the laws of Eugenics and turned into a hideous psycopathic monster ant
intent on killing absolutely everything until it was very much dead . Back to
normal in other words . Except now he had this monstrous arsenal at his
disposal . ( Ha , ha , ha ! )

After he blasted a group of little baby pupae with a guided missile , that
great trait that only ants possess came to the fore . They snapped . Centuries
of bloodshed had engrained into their minds the idea " I think , therefore I
must kill something " . So they did .

Poor Joel got himself severely devolved by a rampaging mob of hooligants in
Tanks whilst trying to get everybody to sit down and just talk to one another
with an open heart , to see if they could just settle their differences in a
peaceful manner . Unfortunatly their vocabulary had regressed to some pretty
basic grunting noises thanks to his little messing about with the gene pool
and he dissapeared in a cloud of white hot vapour .

This left the Ants with a bit of a dillema . Who do they kill now ? They were
all exactly the same now so they couldn`t use the excuse that the enemy were
different to them , therefore they must die . In the end common sense won out
and they all came to a mutually agreeable solution . They would kill each other.

Clever , no ?